DINNER TABLE BEAR JOKES

This week at our Chalet we have a wonderful story teller in the guise of Father Christmas, name of Gilly.

He has already told us many stories with his big white beard as the centre piece, and the one we remember the most, is the story of how he sat opposite a drunk Welsh man in a pub. This drunk Welshmen was staring at our Father Christmas, luring him closer with drunken eyes. As the pair got within kissing distance, this Welshmen declares

“Three years I asked for a scalextric and you never bought me one”

Along with many other stories he came out with were jokes about bears. I have written two of them for your pleasure.

A hunter quietly rises from behind a bush, a bear in his sight. He stands there, waiting for the bear to come Waving bearcloser and then BANG, he fires off a single round. The bear falls flat on the ground. THUD.

Our hunter rushes over to the bear, about to reach down and touch his furry coat, when the bear leaps to life. “You’re an awful shot” he says. “Instead of eating you, I’ll give you one more chance to shoot me tomorrow, but if I let you go now, I’ll have to shag you first. Women bears are scarce in these parts” Fearing for his life our Hunter lets this happen.

The next day comes and our hunter is a little sore. Perched again behind the bush he waits for his bear to show himself. Sure enough, out comes the bear, sniffing the ground as he had done the day before. Our brave hunter gets up, steadies himself and BANG, a single shot. The Bear falls flat on the ground once more. THUD.

This time our hunter is a little more cautious, walking gingerly up to the bear he prods the furry coat. Again the Bear jumps up, “Oh it’s you again” he says to our startled hunter. “Tell you what, I’ll give you one more chance tomorrow, but like yesterday, I’m going to have to shag you first. Women Bears are scarce in these parts” Our Hunter bends over with rage, tomorrow he’ll get his pray.

On day three, our hunter in pain, can’t crouch down behind his bush, instead he leans against the nearest tree. Studying the area from the previous days, sure to get his tormentor. He hears the bushes part and, a little closer than yesterday the bear is there, ready to be hit. The hunter calms himself, he takes his time steadying his rifle then BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG. The Bear falls flat on the ground, surely for the final time. THUD.

Approaching the Bear, our hunter is smiling ear to ear, keen to get his hands on his trophy. As soon as he is close enough the Bear once more jumps to his feet. Seeing that it’s the hunter from the past few days the bear remarks:

“You’re not here for the shooting are you?”

After we recovered from this one I swapped my bear joke with the assembled table.

Bear on roofA man wakes up to find a bear on his roof. Calling the AAA bear removal he is assured that someone will be with him in half an hour. Sure enough a man pulls up outside his house in a big white van. Opening the rear doors he produces a ladder, shot gun, baseball bat and pitbull terrier.

Looking confused the house owner asks what the plan is. “With the ladder I’ll climb on the roof” replied the bear remover. He continues “I’ll use the baseball bat to knock the bear from the roof, the pitbull terrier has been trained to grab the bear by the balls” With this he hands the shotgun to the house owner. Again confused he asks, “what do I need this for?”

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!”

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